Almost every person on Earth dreams of learning how to influence the emotions of other people and find a variety of approaches to communication. However, before you can achieve this, you need to learn how to manage your own emotions, since it is this skill that will allow you to influence other people. Know yourself first and only then begin to study other people.
A person experiences emotions every second of his existence, so the one who knows how to manage them achieves a lot. They can be conditionally divided into three types: beneficial, neutral, destructive.
We will consider beneficial and neutral emotions in later lessons, but in this one we will focus entirely on destructive ones, because it is they that need to be learned to manage in the first place.
Why are destructive emotions so defined? Here is just a short list of how negative emotions can affect your life:
- They undermine your health: heart disease, diabetes, stomach ulcers, and even tooth decay. As technology advances, scientists and physicians add to this list. There is a possibility that negative emotions become one of the causes of the overwhelming number of diseases, or at least prevent a speedy recovery.
- They undermine your psychological health: depression, chronic stress, self-doubt.
- They affect your communication with other people: those around you, loved ones and employees suffer from negative behavior. And, ironically, it is on loved ones that we break down most often.
- They prevent success: destructive emotions completely atrophy our ability to think. And if anger can pass within a few hours, then anxiety and depression prevent clear thinking for weeks and months.
- They narrow the focus: in a depressed or affective state, a person is unable to see the big picture and cannot make the right decisions, as he is too limited in the number of options.
There is a popular point of view: negative emotions should not be suppressed. This is a very controversial question and a full answer to it has not yet been found. Someone says that holding back such emotions leads to the fact that they penetrate into the subconscious and affect the body in a sad way. Other people claim that the inability to restrain them loosens the nervous system. If we imagine our emotions in the form of a pendulum, then in this way we swing it more strongly.
In this regard, in our course we will approach this issue with extreme caution and for the most part we will talk about how to prevent the onset of destructive emotion. This approach is much more effective and will allow you to prevent negative states from entering your life.
Before getting acquainted with the most destructive emotions, it is impossible to ignore the so-called reactionary thoughts.
reactionary thoughts
Most of the emotions we experience are the result of some kind of stimulus. It can be a certain person, a situation, an image, the behavior of other people, their own psychological state. All this can be an irritant for you, that is, something that invades your personal comfort and makes you feel uncomfortable. To get rid of this condition, we react (usually in a negative way) to it in the hope that it will disappear. However, this strategy almost never works.
The fact is that any irritation swings the pendulum of your emotions and the emotions of another person. Your annoyed response leads to annoyance of the interlocutor, which in turn causes him to “up the stakes”. In this situation, someone must show wisdom and extinguish passions, otherwise everything will get out of control.
By the way, we will return to the image of the pendulum more than once in our lessons, because this is an excellent metaphor for indicating that emotions have the peculiarity of increasing their intensity.
When we experience a stimulus, reactionary thoughts run through our heads, whether we are aware of them or not. It is these thoughts that prompt us to escalate the conflict and lose our temper. To train yourself not to react instinctively, learn one simple rule: there is a small gap between the action of the stimulus and the reaction to it, during which you can tune in to the correct perception of the situation. Practice this exercise every day. Whenever you feel hooked on a word or situation, remember that you can choose how to respond to it. It requires discipline, self-control and awareness. If you train yourself not to give in to reactionary thoughts (usually generalizations or feelings of resentment), you will notice what advantages this brings.
Most Destructive Emotions
There are emotions that cause irreparable harm to the health and reputation of a person, they can destroy everything that he has built over the years and make his life a living hell.
We will immediately agree with you that sometimes a character trait can be an emotion, so we will also consider these cases. For example, conflict is a character trait, but it is also a special emotional state in which a person experiences a craving for receiving emotions of high intensity. It is an addiction to the collision of two emotional worlds.
Or, for example, the desire to criticize others. This is also a character trait, but from a purely emotional point of view, this is the desire to raise one's self-esteem by pointing out the mistakes of others, which indicates the need to change the negative valence of one's emotions to a positive one. Therefore, if you want, call this list "The most destructive emotions, feelings and states."
Anger and rage
Anger is a negatively colored affect directed against experienced injustice and accompanied by a desire to eliminate it.
Rage is an extreme form of anger in which a person's adrenaline levels rise, accompanied by a desire to inflict physical pain on the offender.
Despite the fact that anger and rage have differences in intensity and duration of manifestation, we will consider these emotions as one. The complete chain looks like this:
Prolonged, aching irritation - anger - anger - rage.
Why is there no hatred in this chain, which contributes to the appearance of rage? The fact is that it is already included in anger and rage, along with antipathy, disgust, a sense of injustice, so we use it in combination.
A person cannot instantly experience anger or rage, he must bring himself to this. First, irritants of varying intensity appear and the person becomes irritated and nervous. After a while, anger builds up. A prolonged state of anger causes anger, which in turn can result in the manifestation of rage.
If we talk about evolutionary theory, the source of anger is a fight-or-flight response, so the trigger of anger is a sense of danger, even if imaginary. An angry person may consider dangerous not only a physical threat, but even a blow to self-esteem or self-esteem.
Anger and rage are the worst things to control. It is also one of the most seductive emotions: a person engages in justifying internal dialogue and fills his mind with convincing arguments to vent his anger. There is a point of view that anger does not need to be contained, because it cannot be controlled. The opposite view says that anger can be completely prevented. How to do it?
One of the most powerful ways to do this is to destroy the very beliefs that feed it. The longer we think about what angered us, the more “good reasons” we can come up with. Reflections in this case (no matter how over-emotional they may be) only add fuel to the fire. To extinguish the flame of anger, you should once again describe the situation to yourself from a positive point of view.
The next way to curb anger is to seize those destructive thoughts and question their correctness, since it is the initial assessment of the situation that supports the first outburst of anger. This reaction can be stopped if reassuring information is received before the person begins to act out of anger.
Some psychologists advise to blow off steam and not hold back anger, experiencing the so-called catharsis. However, practice shows that such a strategy does not lead to anything good and anger flares up again and again with enviable regularity, causing irreparable harm to a person’s health and reputation.
To cool passions in the physiological sense, the release of adrenaline is waited out in an environment where, most likely, there will be no additional mechanisms for inciting anger. Walking or entertainment can help with this, if possible. This method will stop the growth of hostility, since it is purely physically impossible to get angry and angry when you are having a good time. The trick is to cool down the anger to the point where the person is capable have fun.
Very effective way getting rid of anger is playing sports. After a strong physical stress, the body returns to the level of low activation. Different ones give an excellent effect: meditation, muscle relaxation, deep breathing. They also change the physiology of the body, putting it into a state of reduced arousal.
At the same time, it is important to be conscious, to notice the growing irritation and destructive thoughts in time. Write them down on a piece of paper and analyze. One of two things is possible: either you find a positive solution, or at least stop scrolling the same thoughts in a circle. Evaluate your thoughts from a position of logic and common sense.
Remember that no method will work if you cannot interrupt the flow of annoying thoughts. Literally tell yourself not to think about it and switch your attention. It is you who directs your attention, which is a sign conscious person able to control his psyche.
Anxiety
Anxiety is of two types:
- Bloating out of molehills. A person clings to one thought and develops it to a universal scale.
- Repeating the same idea over and over. In this case, the person takes no action to solve the problem and instead repeats the thought over and over again.
There is no problem if you carefully think about the problem from all sides, generate several solutions, and then choose the best one. From an emotional point of view, this is called preoccupation. However, when you catch yourself returning to a thought over and over again, it doesn't get you any closer to solving the problem. You become anxious and do nothing to get out of this state and remove anxiety.
The nature of anxiety is amazing: it seems to appear out of nowhere, creates a constant noise in the head, is uncontrollable and torments a person for a long time. Such chronic anxiety cannot last forever, so it mutates and takes on other forms - attacks of fear, stress, neurosis, and panic attacks. There are so many obsessive thoughts in the head that it leads to insomnia.
Worry, by its very nature, directs a person's thoughts into the past (mistakes and failures) and the future (uncertainty and catastrophic pictures). At the same time, the person shows Creative skills only to create horrifying pictures, not to find solutions to possible problems.
The best way to deal with anxiety is to stay in the present moment. Returning to the past is constructive, finding out the causes of mistakes and realizing how to avoid them in the future. It is worth thinking about the future only at the moments when you consciously set aside time for this: clarify goals and priorities, outline a plan and procedure for action. You only need to live one day in the most efficient way and not think about anything else.
By practicing meditation and becoming more aware, you will learn to catch the first signs intrusive thoughts and eradicate them. You will also be able to notice which images, objects, and sensations trigger the anxiety mechanism. The sooner you notice anxiety, the easier it will be for you to stop it. It is necessary to fight back thoughts decisively, and not sluggishly, as most people do.
Ask yourself a few questions:
- What is the probability that the event that scares you will actually happen?
- Is there only one scenario?
- Is there an alternative?
- Is it possible to take constructive steps?
- Is there any point in chewing the same thoughts over and over again?
These are the right questions that will allow you to think about what is happening in this moment and pay conscious attention to your thoughts.
Relax as much as possible and often. It is impossible to worry and relax at the same time, either one or the other wins. Study and after a while you will be surprised to notice that for several days you have not felt disturbing thoughts.
The great psychologist Dale Carnegie in his book "" provides many techniques that allow you to cope with this unpleasant habit. We bring you the top ten and recommend reading this book in its entirety:
- Sometimes anxiety is not born out of the blue, but has a basis logical basis. If something bad happened (or could happen) to you, use the three-step structure:
- Ask yourself, "What is the worst thing that could happen to me?"
- Come to terms with the worst.
- Calmly think about how you can improve the situation. In this case, it cannot be worse, which means that psychologically you get the opportunity to get more than you originally expected.
- Remember that people who can't handle anxiety die young. Anxiety causes a severe blow to the body and can lead to psychosomatic illnesses.
- Practice occupational therapy. The most dangerous time for a person is the hours after work, when, it would seem, is the time to relax and start enjoying life. Load yourself with activities, find a hobby, clean the house, fix the shed.
- Remember the Law of Large Numbers. What is the probability that the event you are worried about will happen? According to the Law of Large Numbers, this probability is negligible.
- Show interest in other people. When a person is sincerely interested in others, he ceases to concentrate on his thoughts. Try to do something selfless every day.
- Don't expect gratitude. Do what you must and what your heart tells you to do, and do not expect your efforts to be rewarded. This will save you from a lot of unpleasant emotions and complaining about other people.
- If you get a lemon, make lemonade out of it. Carnegie quotes William Bulito: “The most important thing in life is not to make the most of your successes. Every fool is capable of it. What really matters is the ability to take advantage of losses. It takes a mind; that is the difference between a smart man and a fool.”
- Don't let trifles overwhelm you. Many people go through great hardships with their heads held high, and then drive themselves to madness by lamenting over trifles.
- Rest during the day. Sleep if possible. If not, just sit or lie down with your eyes closed. Fatigue gradually and imperceptibly accumulates throughout the day and if it is not removed, it can lead to a nervous breakdown.
- Don't cut sawdust. The past is in the past and there is nothing you can do about it. You can fix the situation in the present or the future, but there is no point in worrying about what has already happened.
Feelings of resentment and self-pity
These two emotions lead to, which leads to many devastating consequences. A person stops developing, because other people are to blame for his troubles and feels worthless, pitying himself.
Resentment is an indicator that a person has too many pain points that other people put pressure on. The difficulty is in recognizing this problem it can be quite difficult, especially if touchiness has passed into a chronic stage.
Feelings of resentment arise:
- when a person we know behaved completely differently than we expected. Often this is an unintentional action or behavior that we think is intentional;
- when a person we know deliberately insulted us by abuse or humiliation (usually in public);
- when we are insulted by a stranger
As it were, we only get offended when we think we've been offended. In other words, everything depends entirely on our perception. There are people who are not offended when they are even insulted in public. What are the benefits of such a mindset?
- They don't let their emotions get out of hand and lose face.
- The offender is so surprised that there was no response to his insult that he is in frustration and confusion.
- The focus of the audience's attention instantly shifts from him to the person who tried to offend him.
- The audience, instead of gloating or pitying the "offended", finally takes his side, because all people subconsciously respect those who do not lose face in a stressful situation.
In a word, when you do not react to words that were thrown in order to offend, you get a huge advantage. This causes respect not only among the audience, but even from the side of the offender. This approach is proactive, keeps you healthy, and puts you in control of your emotions.
We considered the situation of insult in public, then what to do in the case when a loved one behaved differently than we expected? The following thoughts will help you:
- “Perhaps he did not want to act like this or did not suspect that he could hurt me with his actions or words.”
- “He understands that he let me down, but a sense of pride does not allow him to admit his mistake. I'll be wiser and let him save face. In time, he will apologize.
- “I expect too much from him. If he did so, then I did not explain to him correctly enough that my feelings could be hurt by such behavior.
It is also worth separating a specific situation with resentment and chronic resentment. In the second case, everything is much more complicated, but with proper work on yourself, you can get rid of it.
The first step in overcoming resentment is recognizing the problem. Indeed, if you understand that your resentment hurts only you in the first place, this will be a good starting point in solving the problem.
The second step is to think about why the person wants to offend you. Note, I didn’t offend, but I wanted to offend. This key difference in thinking allows you to move beyond your inner feelings and direct your perceptions to reflect on the other person's motives.
Remember that you can only be offended when you yourself think that you have been offended. It does not mean being indifferent to a person or situation. This means analyzing the situation with a cool head and finding out why the person behaved the way they did. And if you come to the conclusion that you no longer want the presence of a person in your life, this is your right. But until then, try to find out what exactly influenced his behavior and words. Curiosity in this situation is the strongest way to distract yourself.
Painful timidity
Many people love timid people, seeing them as modest, reserved, and even-tempered. In literature, we can also find laudatory odes dedicated to such personalities. But is it really that simple?
Shyness (timidity, shyness) is a state of mind, the main features of which are timidity, indecision, stiffness, tension and awkwardness in society due to lack of social skills or self-doubt. In this regard, we can conclude that such people are quite comfortable for any company, because all other people look confident in their background. Therefore, they are loved: they give a sense of significance to everyone around.
How can shyness be eradicated? The answer most likely lies in self-confidence. If you are confident in your abilities, then your movements are precise, your words are clear, and your thoughts are clear. There is a so-called "confidence/competence loop". You become competent in some kind of activity, you notice that you can cope with the task, and thanks to this, you increase your self-confidence. And as your self-confidence increases, you increase your competence.
One of the satellites of timidity is the fear of the near future. That's why the best way overcoming shyness will be a way out of your comfort zone. If you do what you are afraid of several dozen times a day, then after just a week (or even almost immediately) you begin to feel self-confidence and an incredible surge of strength. Fear fades in the light of knowledge. It turns out that no one ate you when you expressed an unpopular opinion and you are still alive asking for help.
Inactivity turns into activity. You probably know that inertia also works in psychology, so as soon as you start to overcome the psychological and physical threshold, your fear will begin to go away. The chain "thought - intention - planning - action" after some time becomes almost automatic and you do not even think about fear or possible defeat. Since failure and defeat are sure to await you, you need to accustom yourself to this. Think in advance how you will behave in case of failure, so as not to remain in a state of discouragement. After some time, you will act impromptu, but in the early stages it is better to prepare yourself psychologically.
Pride / pride
We combined these two opposite emotions for one reason: in most cases, people who experience pride believe that it is pride. Pride is crooked pride.
Why does the person experience this emotion? It's about about unwillingness to infringe on one's own vanity. A proud person will not apologize, even if he subconsciously understands that he is guilty.
While pride is a manifestation of the inner dignity of a person and the ability to protect what is dear to him, pride is a manifestation of disrespect for others, unfair exaltation of oneself, selfishness. A person full of pride will simultaneously experience the following emotions and feelings: resentment, anger, disrespect, sarcasm, arrogance and rejection. All this is accompanied by inflated self-esteem and unwillingness to admit their own mistakes.
Pride is formed under the influence of wrong education. Parents bring up the child in such a way that they praise him, despite the fact that he did nothing good. When a child grows up, he enters society and begins to ascribe to himself all the merits to which he has nothing to do. If he becomes a leader, he criticizes his team for failures and takes successes as his own.
Pride breeds:
- Greed
- Vanity
- Appropriation of someone else's
- Touchiness
- Egocentrism
- Unwillingness to develop (after all, you are already the best)
How to get rid of pride? The difficulty is that its owner will not admit to the last that there is a problem. In this regard, it is easier to recognize in oneself the presence of timidity, irritability, anxiety and other traits that prevent a person from living. While a person full of pride will deny the existence of this quality.
Recognize that sometimes this is true for you too. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses, appreciate the former and get rid of the latter. Respect yourself and other people, celebrate their successes and learn to praise. Dare to be grateful.
The best way to get rid of pride is to develop assertiveness, empathy, and listening skills. We will cover all three of these skills in the next lesson.
Envy
Envy arises in relation to a person who possesses something that the envious person wants to possess, but does not possess. The main difficulty in getting rid of envy is that the envious person finds excuses for himself when he experiences this feeling. He is absolutely sure that the object of his envy has achieved fame, success or material wealth dishonestly or simply did not deserve it.
Perhaps it does not matter in what way a person has achieved some good, since the envious person does not need a reason. He will treat equally badly both the one who received the benefit dishonestly and the one who actually deserved it. Envy is an indicator of the meanness of a person, it corrodes his body and poisons his soul.
When a person experiences envy, he does not think about how to achieve the same success, because at its core, his thinking is destructive and passive. This desire is not to set a goal and achieve it, but simply to take away the good from another person. Perhaps it is this quality that is the hardest to get rid of, because a person experiencing this feeling chokes on anger and hatred. He spends colossal energy on constantly tracking other people's successes and successes.
What about white envy? From a purely psychological point of view, "white envy" does not exist. Rather, it is simply the ability to rejoice in other people's successes and the desire to achieve such heights, which is the behavior of an adequate person. It is the admiration of other people's achievements and become better.
In order to overcome envy, or at least begin to fight it, you first need to realize that there is a problem. Then answer a few questions:
- “What difference does it make what and how this person achieved, if I still need to work and study in order to achieve my goals?”
- “Does this person’s success affect my future success in a negative way?”
- “Yes, this man is lucky. Many people in the world are lucky, this is normal. And it is lucky for those who do not bring up a feeling of envy in their souls. Maybe I should be happy for him?
- “Do I want my envy to spoil my appearance and lead to stomach ulcers?”
- “Are not great successes achieved by people who sincerely rejoice in the success of others and wish everyone well? Isn't there a large number who loved people and only thanks to this they reached such heights?
Conflict and criticism
It's amazing what irrational creatures people are. We see from our personal experience that the desire to constantly enter into conflicts and criticize others does not bring any advantages, and yet we behave this way again and again.
Conflict is destructive, because the person entering into them consciously and subconsciously considers himself better than others. Will he begin to argue and conflict with those whose opinion he considers at least equal to his opinion? This behavior in the head of this person is justified by the fact that he does not want to be hypocritical, please and utter sugary words. He believes that telling the truth (his truth) is a much more honest behavior than wagging or remaining silent.
Let's look at the problem from the angle of self-development. Is telling the truth and not choosing words a sign of a developed and intelligent person? Does it take a lot of intelligence to say what you think on any occasion? Of course, hypocrisy and flattering is also bad, but this is the other extreme.
Almost any extreme in emotions is fatal. When you lie and flatter, they do not like you, when you come into conflict for any reason and do not know how to keep your mouth shut (or choose the wrong words), they will not want to do business with you either. Find a balance, because success in this world is achieved by flexible people.
Criticism doesn't work either, at least in the long run. Carnegie rightly argued that criticism hurts a person's self-esteem and puts him in the position of being on the defensive. When criticizing, we seem to pull a person out of his comfort zone and demonstrate his shortcomings.
Suppress your reactionary thoughts and desire to react to the stimulus. Again - proceed at least from the one who everyone can criticize and this does not need a lot of intelligence. Learn the art of indirect criticism and get rid of the accusatory tone. This requires self-control, wisdom, observation and. Such criticism gives a person feedback, motivates and re-energizes.
In this lesson, we learned what reactionary thoughts are and how important they are in managing emotions. We also looked at the seven most destructive emotions, figured out why they are considered as such, and found ways to deal with them.
In the next lesson, we will learn the three main skills to improve emotional intelligence - assertiveness, empathy, and listening.
Test your knowledge
If you want to test your knowledge on the topic of this lesson, you can take a short test consisting of several questions. Only 1 option can be correct for each question. After you select one of the options, the system automatically moves on to the next question. The points you receive are affected by the correctness of your answers and the time spent on passing. Please note that the questions are different each time, and the options are shuffled.
Knowing how to manage your emotions and feelings makes it possible for a person to manage his thinking, behavior, life and destiny, and other people, and what’s there - the whole world.
He who controls himself controls the world, said Seneca. So learn to manage your feelings and emotions in order to control yourself.
I greet you, dear visitors of the psychotherapeutic help website, today in the self-help section, you will learn How can you manage your emotions and feelings? with a simple cognitive therapy technique
How to learn to manage your emotions
You are presented with the cognitive technique of Socratic self-talk in order to learn to manage your emotions and feelings.
For example, you are angry at your friend for his behavior (this is the emotion of anger), and are already ready for aggressive actions, against yourself if you are an introvert, or against others if you are an extrovert.
How to bounce back and get rid of anger, especially if it is really unreasonable, and how not to become aggressive at the same time?
To find out how to manage emotions, let's understand the cognitive model.
Its essence is: “As I think, so I feel, and as I feel, so I behave (including the physiological reactions of the body)”
That is, our feelings and emotions, and with them behavioral and physiological reactions (blood pressure, rapid or slow breathing, increased sweating, a lump in the throat, reddening of the skin, and so on), directly depend on our thinking, on our interpretation of a traumatic, stressful situation (in our example, the behavior of a friend).
The scheme of the process of cognitive error (error of thinking) is as follows:
Stressful situation - Dysfunctional automatic thought (Autothought) or representation (image) - Emotion (feelings) - Behavior (and / or physiological reactions).
In fact, in order to return to normal well-being, we can break this chain anywhere, for example, by changing the situation: there will be no thoughts about it - there will be no emotions ...
But the situation cannot always be changed, especially since the unfinished situation with autothinking and unprocessed emotion remains in the head, in the depths of the psyche, and then manifests itself, for example, in relationships.
The emotion itself, or the behavior associated with it, is difficult to change, especially when you are experiencing it at the moment. Therefore, we will detect and change dysfunctional automatic thoughts (abbreviated as autothoughts).
Let's move on to the practice of using this technique to manage emotions.
So, you are angry… You need to imagine the moment when you started to get angry… what was the situation… what was the friend’s behavior… and ask yourself the question: “What was I thinking then?”Maybe I thought what a nice friend I have, how attentive he is to me?
Hardly! Probably, I thought that he does not love me and does not respect me, since he behaves like that? (thoughts are fast, so you need to catch them intuitively)
Well, that thought fits, "He doesn't respect me," so I got pissed off and was ready to nail him down.
Ask yourself the question: “How much do I believe in this idea that my friend does not respect me?” (from 0 to 100%)… say 90% (write down)
How strong, how intense is my emotion of anger? (from 0 to 100%)… let's say 80% (write down).
To do this, we conduct a dialogue with ourselves: we ask and answer ourselves the following questions:
1) What is the evidence supporting this idea?
We write out proofs (arguments) of ten pieces.
For example: He does not respect me, because he did not give me a loan.
And we prove...
2) What is the evidence that contradicts this idea?
Here we find more evidence than in the previous question.
For example: He respects me because….
3) Are there alternative explanations for this idea?
For example: It’s not that he doesn’t respect me, he just had a bad mood ... he didn’t have money ....
4) What's the worst thing that can happen if he doesn't respect me?
For example: we will stop being friends
5) Imagine that this happened and ask yourself: “Will I be able to survive this?”
6) What's the best thing that can happen if he doesn't respect me?
For example: he will respect me.
7) What is the most real thing that can happen if he does not respect me?
For example: we will find out the relationship, and continue the friendship.
8) What are the consequences of my belief in this idea that he does not respect me?
For example: I will accumulate negativity, and we will quarrel.
9) What are the consequences of changing this thought?
For example: I will stop getting angry, accumulate negatives, and I will be able to solve this problem.
10) What should I do about this?
For example: change your attitude (thinking) to a certain situation….
11) What advice would I give to a loved one who is in the same situation?
We write down a large adaptive response, for example: "MY MOOD DOES NOT DEPEND ON OTHERS RESPECT ME." (Later, it can be re-read several times to consolidate the result).
How much % do I now believe in this idea that he does not respect me? For example 30%. (or not at all).
What is the strength (intensity) of my anger? For example: I no longer have anger (or so much).
If you did everything right, then the belief in autothought will decrease or disappear altogether, as will the strength of the emotion, and you will feel better!
Similarly, other emotions and feelings, autothoughts and behaviors can be controlled, including obsessions….
As soon as you feel a change in mood or a manifestation of a negative emotion (feeling), immediately ask yourself: “What did I just think about?”, and find an adaptive response.
“If you hate, then you have been defeated”
(c) Confucius
Agree, without emotions you would be bored?
Emotions make life rich and interesting. And, at the same time, they can destroy your psyche, health, destiny...
To prevent this from happening, you need understand, accept and manage their emotions.
Spiritual sources also confirm this:
"You must strive for emotional harmony and tranquility within the illusory world of the higher fourth dimension as you attempt to adjust to the mental plane of the lower fifth dimension environment."
(c) Archangel Michael through Ronna Herman. May 2015
How achieve emotional harmony? Read the article, and much will become clear to you.
What is the difference between emotions and feelings
First, let's take a look at the concepts emotions and feelings, the relationship and differences between them.
Emotion- This impulsive reaction person to the current event. It is a short-term state and reflects the attitude towards the event. Comes from lat. emovere - excite, excite.
Feeling is an emotional experience that reflects steady attitude person to the world around, significant people and objects. Feelings are not related to a particular situation.
Character is the totality of human qualities that affect behavior and reactions in various life situations.
To summarize: emotions, unlike feelings, situational, is a temporary experience of the immediate present moment. In other words, we perceive the world feelings, and react to it with emotions.
Consider it For example football fans during the match.
They were led to the game by a feeling of love, interest in this sport (this is their permanent state).
And in the very process of the match, they experience short-term emotions: enjoyment and admiration of the game, the joy of victory or the disappointment of defeat.
We usually feel Soul, but we express our beliefs with emotions.
Also, through emotions are manifested our feelings(joy at the sight of a loved one, anger at the sight of a “hated enemy”).
At the same time, emotions and feelings are situationally may not match or contradict each other. Example: A mother is angry with a deeply loved child.
Depending on the character people show different emotions in the same situations.
For example: the profit of the company has fallen.
If the owner is positive for life man, he will be a little upset, but will quickly pull himself together and will take effect. He will open his attitude to the problem as a motivation for creativity.
In a weaker person, the same situation will cause state of apathy, inactivity, depression.
If you have a depressive, depressed state for no particular reason, and even an unwillingness to live - what can this mean?
Like unbalanced emotions
destroy your life
What happens if you do not know how or do not want to understand and control your emotions?
Relationships with people deteriorate
A person who is caught up in emotions sensitivity is dulled to the people around him, even to those close to him.
Therefore, people in an “excited” state have time to tell each other a lot of unpleasant and even hurtful words.
Habitual emotional response shapes your mood and character.
For example, if you do not work with your resentment, the "character of the victim" will be formed. You will react sharply to the slightest remarks of others, enter into frequent conflicts, and then feel unhappy and depressed.
Your performance drops
You are wasting your energy resources to endless exhausting experiences.
As a result, you may simply not have enough strength for your realization and success.
Write about times in your life when your emotions were unsettling. How did you deal with it?
A non-standard approach to solving problems ... a 3-step algorithm.
Your attitude towards yourself worsens
An excess of negative emotions creates the belief that “everything is wrong in life” or “everyone is against me.”
In the end, you self-esteem drops. You may judge and blame yourself, even become depressed.
Your health is destroyed
Uncontrolled emotions play a big role in the occurrence of many diseases. It is called psychosomatics.
Surely, you are familiar with the expression "the disease developed on a nervous basis"?
This happens when
- excessive emotional response(hysteria, winding yourself up),
- looping on negative emotions (when you feel constantly guilty or offended),
- denial and suppression their emotions (“you can’t be angry with your mother”).
A detailed decoding of the meaning of diseases from Louise Hay
And denying and winding up your emotions is not an option. So you will only destroy your life and make it unbearable.
If you want to be successful in life, you need to study understand and control your emotions.
How to manage your emotions
It is possible to make a quality decision to get out of any difficult situation if you are in a state of emotional balance. Just so you soberly evaluates what is happening and are able to act appropriately.
1. Recognize and name the emotion
To work with emotions, you must first acknowledge their existence.
Learn to name your emotions: I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm happy. Look for shades emotional states There are over a hundred of them!
Recognize at least to myself that you have “negative”, “disapproved” emotions: cowardice, gloating, curiosity to delve into other people's secrets ...
If you are not fully aware of your experiences, then you do not understand what role emotions play. for you personally.
WITH accepting any of your emotions the ability to control them begins.
Otherwise, for any similar situations you will be forced to experience an emotional explosion and endlessly go in circles.
2. Analyze what your emotions are saying
Learn to recognize what essence and value your emotions, especially the “negative” ones.
- About what signal your experiences?
- What are your attention?
- What is worth thinking about?
- What should be changed?
Be honest with yourself when answering these questions.
Perhaps resentment points to need for recognition and anger protects you from the destructive person in your life.
Or maybe you are used to hysterical behavior to get wish from uncooperative people? In this case, you should look for other options ...
Once you understand the value behind the surge of emotions, they automatically subside.
3. Don't take it personally
Learn not to take on personal account everything that happens to you.
If your husband or boss yelled at you, this does not mean that you were guilty of something.
Perhaps they are in a bad mood, this has nothing to do with you personally. You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Do not get involved in this negativity, reacting with emotion resentment or anger. However, you have the right to calmly and correctly defend your boundaries.
4. Apply meditation and spiritual practices
If you are prone to emotional outbursts or prolonged experiences, you are highly sensitive - learn to calm down even in the most difficult situations.
They help in this meditation. Even after a short practice, you will feel relaxed, the intensity of emotions will subside.
Regular meditation will tune your brain to more positive thinking.
During meditation, the brain changes the frequency of electrical impulses into deep and calm alpha waves. They induce a state of peace and relaxation in a person.
Another simple and effective technique is breathing. Inhale deeply and exhale into the ground several times.
5. Do something new
Train yourself to respond in new ways habitual"negative" situations.
For example, you can try to translate a brewing scandal into a joke, and thus, discharge environment.
Simple practices on how to get out of an emotionally charged situation
If it doesn't occur to you how to act differently, practice this in game form(for example, in training). You can draw inspiration from books, films.
6. Understand the nature of emotions
Read books and articles about emotions: why they arise, how they affect the body and consciousness.
Every person given the opportunity keep yourself in a positive mood.
Deliberate a person knows how to control himself, track and manage his emotions.
Do not suppress emotions in yourself, but understand the reasons for their occurrence both in yourself and in others.
And by this, manage your life creating more happiness and inner harmony in it!
P.S. Perhaps the most important step to emotional healing is a skill forgive their offenders, let go of the pain of their past.
I remember that at our school there was a single psychologist who once a year came to class and taught life - gave advice from the field of emotional intelligence. Something like: if you are very nervous, then take a pen and start scribbling on paper with force, whatever you want. And some classmates got down to business with such aggression that in the end the sheet was torn.
And recently, from one authoritative blogger, I came across advice to kick a pillow or yell with all my might. It's called letting off steam. But we are not double boilers! And it has nothing to do with managing emotional intelligence. Such advice from the series “Relax and breathe deeply when a bear comes at you”, as you understand, is completely ineffective. And in one television show about divorce, ex-wives were asked to "let their emotions out" by setting fire to their partner's clothes. I think you can collect a whole collection of such bad advice. But - surprise - it doesn't work!
Even Nietzsche said that thoughts come when they want, and not as we plan. Similarly, your emotions don't come and go when you decide. But is it possible to control your emotions? Or will we have to come to terms with the fact that emotions are always stronger than us and dominate our actions?
Have you ever wondered why someone is able to speak in public without being nervous, while another person's fear of public speaking is incapacitating? Why are there people who, in an argument, give in to anger and lose control of themselves, while others remain calm?
What Happens When Your Emotions Get Out of Control
You cannot control the expression of emotions. And don't even try to do it. Realize, accept and manage - what is really worth learning. Emotions are there because they make biological sense for our survival. If our ancestors were not afraid to be near tigers, humanity as a species would hardly have survived to this day.
The area of the brain called the amygdala (aka the amygdala) is responsible for the appearance of emotions, which creates commands such as “fight / flight”. That is why it is very difficult to control the power of basic emotions that are genetically programmed. Moreover, we need this type of emotional reaction. However, in some people, these processes are not properly regulated, and this leads to the fact that ...
- ... the basic emotional reaction works in situations where there is no real threat (feeling of anxiety, anxiety).
- ... a person is not able to switch off for a long time (as, for example, in depression). The brain goes into survival mode and becomes fixed in this state.
When you are in the alert phase and the amygdala is giving you commands, it is usually too late to try to control yourself. We need to act quickly, that is, in advance. You will have to learn to identify those signs and situations when you can lose your temper, and determine in advance how to manage emotions. This is the only way you can stop (or delay) chain reaction before it's too late.
The truth about negative emotions
Latest psychological research show that there are only 4 types of basic emotions that develop into other, more complex feelings: anger, fear, joy, and sadness.
In life, situations inevitably happen for which we will never be ready. If suddenly something went categorically wrong, it is very difficult to maintain control over the feeling of fear or anxiety. And positive emotions have such a property that they pass much faster than negative ones. In one study, Belgian scientist Philippe Verduin found that the longest-running emotion is sadness. It lasts 4 times longer than joy! This is unfair... But it first of all follows from this that it is really absolutely necessary for all of us to learn how to manage the intensity of our emotions in order to enjoy more and suffer less.
So, here are 5 real-life, science-backed emergency techniques that come in handy when intense experiences keep you from focusing on work and other important things. I'm sure some of these methods will surprise you.
1. Remember all your successes and cool moments in life
In fact, I think this method is the most effective. Recall at least three examples of your personal success. Recall something related to the current task and work.
Example: Instead of being nervous about being late for work, remember what you overdid financial plan for the past period and how the director praised you.
Interestingly, according to research, this strategy works especially well for women. The next time you feel like you're losing control of your emotions, remind yourself of the things you're proud of in your life.
2. Postpone anxiety to a later date.
Yes, yes, you can just say to yourself: today from 19 o'clock I will begin to worry about such and such a thing. And I'll sit and cry for an hour or two.
The method of delayed excitement usually works very effectively. In one study, participants with anxious thoughts were asked to delay worrying for 30 minutes, and it was shown that after this pause, emotions returned with much less intensity.
3. Think about the worst that could happen
Samurai remained calm even in the most dramatic situations. How did they do it? They just thought about death.
I don't want you to turn into a dramatic goth, but thinking about the worst that could happen to you neutralizes your current problems to a certain extent and makes it possible to maintain control.
4. Express Your Emotions Clearly
The general formula is: "I feel X (emotion) when I do Y / when Y (behavior) is done to me in the Z position." Consider the following:
- clearly understand and define emotion X (anger, sadness, fear, fun, etc.);
- express your emotions in the first person;
- determine what behavior Y provokes you to emotions;
- express clearly what you need;
– avoid using phrases that begin with “you” and “you” and follow with accusations;
Example: “I feel undervalued because I haven’t been promoted in our company for 5 years, despite all my efforts and dedication.”
When you look at your reflection, you perceive yourself more objectively. And therefore, you are distracted from your emotionality. Looking at yourself in the mirror during an emotional outburst will help you behave in a more conscious way.
Important: put it all into practice
Don't try to master all the techniques at once. Focus on one thing and make it a habit—you'll soon know how you're going to handle difficult emotional situations. For example, if you choose item 2 (“I’ll think about it after 7:00 pm”), then determine in advance for yourself an activity or even thoughts that you can switch to as soon as the level of emotions starts to go off scale.
Emotional intellect- the key to success!
Until recently, high IQ was considered the only important indicator for assessing intelligence, and a red diploma from an institute is a ticket to the heights. successful career. Times change. Today, thanks to IQ, you get a job, and thanks to EQ, you make a career. EQ? What is this mysterious new key to the gold mines that has revolutionized the minds of scientists, careerists and HR professionals?
Tatyana Pankova
We all know from experience that when it comes to making decisions and setting a course of action, feeling takes into account every little thing no less, and often more than thinking. That is why in the late 90s. psychologists increasingly began to say that for the successful realization of a personality in life and activity, the most important thing is to have the ability to effectively interact with people around you, be able to navigate in various situations, correctly identify the personal and emotional characteristics of others, and find adequate ways to communicate with them.
Today, in order for you to be a whole person, you need, in addition to a high intelligence quotient (IQ), also a high emotionality score (EQ). These two indicators are inextricably linked. Emotional intelligence (EI) is a person's abilities that are involved in the awareness and management of their own emotions and the emotions of others.
American scientists "invented" emotional intelligence Peter Salovey And Jack Meyer in 1990. Then together with David Caruso the researchers proposed their own model of emotional intelligence, a model of new abilities. What? First of all, these are the abilities of perception, insofar as emotions contain information about us, about other people and about the world around us. Emotions are a kind of data, which is why it is so important to accurately determine what we experience and what people experience. Our emotions (mood) determine our thought processes. IN bad mood we think and behave in a completely different way, not in the same way as in a good one. Simple manifestations of emotional intelligence are the key to health, gaining leadership, and also increase vision, ambition, self-esteem and promote better mutual understanding.
American psychologist Daniel Goleman developed the ideas of his predecessors and proposed a model of emotional intelligence, which is based on five core competencies. It is not necessary that all five points be explicitly expressed, it will be enough if they are emotional knowledge of oneself and correct self-esteem.
1. Knowing yourself
The more we learn about ourselves, the better we can control ourselves and choose the line of behavior necessary in a given situation. It aims to make us strive for change. Without self-knowledge, our emotions could direct us to do what we don't want to, turn us into people that are not at all the people we would like to be.
How to develop?
Understand the difference between: "I think" and "I feel." Ask yourself how you feel throughout the day, but be honest. If your heart is beating fast or you are short of breath, then this is a normal subconscious reaction. Ask the question: “How does it make her feel?” Name this feeling - fear, excitement, calmness, etc. Talk about your feelings more often with friends and family. Over time, you will become more accurate in determining exactly which feeling / emotion you have at this particular moment.
2. Self-control
While we listen and explore our inner feelings, taking a step-by-step path towards self-discovery, self-control regulates and coordinates these same feelings for a positive, not a negative result. Self-control gives the rational side time to sort out feelings when necessary. It also helps us act thoughtfully and responsibly in doing what we say.
How to develop?
Watch what you say to yourself mentally. Recognize the fact that you are human and can experience any emotion. Be prepared for emotional outbursts caused by repetitive situations and learn to manage them. Turn an unpleasant and annoying situation into a problem-solving exercise. When you encounter something that requires an unwanted emotional response, contain your anger by focusing on your behavior. Change the situation in such a way that the behavior becomes problematic, and not the person at whom your anger is directed. Use humor to see new facets of the situation.
3. Self-motivation
Self-motivation is directing the power of our emotions to something that can inspire us to do different things. It allows you to clearly see the goals and the steps needed to achieve them.
How to develop?
Be aware that you can control and choose what you feel or think about. Put in more effort and visualize your desired future as often as possible. Communicate with people who share your values and principles and follow their dreams. Keep learning because the pursuit of knowledge will strengthen strengths your character and will provide the necessary information that may be useful to you now or in the future.
4. Empathy
Emotional intelligence helps to treat others in a dignified manner, with compassion and empathy. It is good when a person knows how to separate the emotions of other people from their own. Empathy begins with the ability to listen, which means connecting with a person. People who do not know how to empathize are more focused on their own needs and pay little attention to the problems of others.
How to develop?
Try to listen more to the interlocutor and "feel into" his experiences. Studies show that in communication, the interlocutor perceives only about 7% of words, intonation accounts for 38%, and 55% - for facial expressions, gestures and eye contact. What you say out loud and what you convey to others without words should not differ from each other. This serves as proof of your honesty and builds trust. Try to see the situation from the other person's point of view in order to better understand them.
5. Effective relationships
This competency concerns making successful contacts and the ability to manage the emotions of others. If a person has a variety of social communication skills, then he is better placed to establish cooperation.
How to develop?
Talk to your friends and colleagues about your ideas and interests because it's infectious as hell! Organize a creative exchange of views - this builds trust and promotes an atmosphere of interaction. Be willing to pass on experience and knowledge to others or become a mentor, and be open to other people's knowledge and experience. This is very important, especially in a work team. By sharing your own experience and knowledge with others, you show your ability to perceive other people's ideas and thoughts, and that you do not consider yourself a know-it-all.
In this way, emotional intelligence expands our understanding of what it means to be smart. Often, people with high IQs but low EQs do not reach their full potential and lose their chances of success because they think, interact, and communicate in non-constructive ways. The ability to create a certain atmosphere of communication is one of the most important skills that determine communicative competence. Skillful management of emotions makes it easier to cope with difficult life situations. Emotional intelligence helps maintain self-confidence and determination to achieve a goal, adapt to change.
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